Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
