So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
