i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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