I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
