3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
