nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
