the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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