then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
