i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Found the puke drawer
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
