I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
