I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
