I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
