we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
