He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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