last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
