just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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