my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
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