I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
they're like a gay fantastic four
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I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
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He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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