wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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