Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
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I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
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Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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