I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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