The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
