His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
