God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
