she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
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Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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