I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Randomize
