Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
