strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
