remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Randomize
