end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
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Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
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You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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