Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
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i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
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THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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