A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
