so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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