I feel like I'm in dance class right now
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
