My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
