apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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