happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
