she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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