Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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