True but thats because hes a fetus.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
