who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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