Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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