I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
