Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
