Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
