I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
