Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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