I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
