May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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