Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
