I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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