I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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