ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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