fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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