Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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