Someone shit on the floor
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
